Friends and relatives all know that for the past two years, Phuong Tu has lived in the same house with her husband, but no longer has feelings for him and will definitely not divorce despite many people’s advice.
Phuong Tu, 35 years old, living in Bac Tu Liem district, Hanoi got married ten years ago. Tuan Linh, her husband is inherently hot-tempered and patriarchal, so there are often quarrels between them. Two daughters were born in turn, the family was more confused because the husband “prefers to have a son” and the wife is determined not to have more children because of poor health.
Along with the promotion at work, Tuan Linh openly had an affair. Tu hired a follower and caught him in the act, but he pointedly pointed at him: “If you can’t accept it, then get a divorce”. She thought that if they broke up, the children would be disadvantaged because they had to separate their adoptive mother and adoptive father, so they proposed separation.
Since that day, Tuan Linh seems to have been released from the cage. He declared that he was separated, so apart from the children being a common concern, everything else his wife was not allowed to interfere.
Phuong Ha and her husband, 37 years old, in Nam Dinh also do not sleep in the same bed and eat the same tray for half a year. However, in front of outsiders, both still appear normal because her husband holds an important position at a large agency.
“If the staff knew that I was abandoned by my wife, what would they consider?”, the husband shouted at Ha during an argument and she proposed to break up.
Phu is a meticulous person, “measures fish sauce and counts onions and cucumbers”, does not let his wife decide what to do in the house. The couple argued many times, so the husband and wife did not talk to each other. When the conflict was at its peak, Ha took her children to her mother’s house to think about marriage, hoping that her husband would do the same. But she realized that, after being away for a long time, she did not miss her husband, and found life more comfortable and comfortable.
But when Ha just mentioned the divorce, not only her husband but also her biological parents strongly objected. “Don’t humiliate your parents, if you divorce, people will say that your parents don’t know how to teach you….”, the father’s words over 70 made Ha think a lot. She herself, after a moment of anger, also pondered: “At this age, I am afraid to change. Will find out, get married and start over again. Wouldn’t it be happier to do it again?”
Many couples choose to separate instead of divorce for many reasons such as fear of affecting their children, fear of property division or family and social pressure. Artwork: Londonmumsmagazine
According to statistics of the court industry in 2019, Vietnam has more than 90% of divorced couples going through a separation phase. Some couples have been separated for 10 years before filing for divorce.
Explaining why many couples choose to separate instead of divorce, expert Nguyen Ngoc Hoang, CEO of Dr.Psy psychological center shared, the most common reason is that no one wants their children to have to. suffer from the absence of a father or mother by their side, affecting the child’s psyche.
The second most common reason, according to experts, is that there are many people who do not want to divide their assets, the few who hope for the other person to change. In addition, some people care about their honor, self-image and the expectations of those around them. “For example, the higher a person has a position, the more important it is for them to build an image and social evaluation. Expectations and family pressure are also reasons why even if they want a divorce, they can’t. body”, Mr. Hoang analyzed.
In terms of law, lawyer Diep Nang Binh, head of Tinh Thong Law Office, said that separation is a husband and wife’s agreement not to live together without asking the court to intervene. This is one of the signs reflecting the marital crisis, expressed in the form of husband and wife living separately, separating, renting a separate house or still living in the same house but eating and sleeping separately.
“During the separation period, legally, both parties still have full rights and obligations of husband and wife. If either person during this time lives with another as husband and wife, has common property, and common children. … is a violation of the law”, Mr. Binh affirmed.
However, if after this time the two sides still have feelings, they can return to each other as before. There are many couples who have been separated for a while and are now reunited.
One month apart, Thu Van, who lives in Nam Tu Liem district, Hanoi, does not share a bed but still lives with her husband, so that the children are not psychologically affected. She also hopes this is a time when both of them can see themselves and give each other more opportunities, instead of signing divorce papers.
To solve psychological problems, Van meets with counselors and friends who have had marital problems for advice. Everyone advised her not to think about divorce in a hurry, because it would have to pay a heavy price mentally and emotionally for her family and especially her children.
“Human emotions go downhill over time, anger is no exception to this rule,” a friend told Van. This person advised her to only have a trial separation, which means that the husband and wife are temporarily apart for a while so that both of them can calmly view all conflicts in a more comprehensive and fair way.
After a month, the anger subsided, Van took the initiative to find her husband to talk. The husband admits that he still loves his wife, loves his children, only sometimes has a hot temper, difficult to control his words. And Van also admits that she is sensitive, or accepts petty things, and small things are torn apart. After a frank conversation, the two reconciled.
According to psychologist Ngoc Hoang, whenever a husband and wife have problems, they can try to separate like Thu Van to help them both have time to reflect on themselves, but must work towards the only goal, to save the marriage. multiply if possible. However, experimental separation also carries certain risks because each person understands it differently, sometimes making the problem worse.
“It is necessary to give a specific time for the time of separation, it should only be 1-3 months and then reconsider, should save or terminate the marriage, but should not last too long,” Hoang affirmed. According to him, during the separation process, both husband and wife should respect each other’s life and choices, and should not speak ill of the other because it can cause serious consequences that are difficult to resolve.
After a period of separation, couples should sit down together to assess their own strengths and weaknesses, and how the other person perceives them. If the defect can be remedied and the other party wants to change the repair, then give each other a chance. In addition, you should ask the other person’s wishes and what might happen if you divorce. This will help both of you see more clearly what you are doing and make reasonable decisions. As for the two parties who do not intend to mend their marriage after a long separation, it will only be like a ticking time bomb, terrorizing both of them mentally.
“In the event that there is no chance for repair, it is advisable to choose a divorce to open up a new life, for both husband and wife,” said Mr. Hoang.
Hai Hien
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