June 1, 2023

Super picky people

After the first meeting, Thuy Linh decided to stop dating the guy who was matched because he was 1m72 tall, 3 cm less than her future husband standard.

The 31-year-old girl, head of the communications department of a large enterprise in Nam Tu Liem district (Hanoi), is considered by many people to be pretty, graduated with a master’s degree in France, has her own house, and earns more than a month on average. 30 million dong. “I don’t want my boyfriend, who will later be my husband, to have flaws,” Linh said.

Linh believes that the man who will accompany her throughout her life must meet important criteria such as a good-looking face; over 1.75m high; not more than 5 years old; smart; delicate; education from a master’s up; ever studied abroad; parents in Hanoi; no tattoos; monthly salary over 40 million; have their own house or car; second child; after marriage must live separately; know how to cook; no close friends of the opposite sex; age appropriate; always care; understand what she wants… Linh’s list of criteria includes 20 items, anyone who lacks one of the above will be refused to learn.

“But how can anyone have all those qualities? I’ve introduced her to dozens of people, but according to the other list, none of them meet the criteria,” Cam An, Linh’s close friend, lamented. .

Thuy Linh during an outing in Ninh Binh in June 2022. Image: Characters provided

Truc Nhi, 28 years old, in District 7 (HCMC) also set out a series of criteria to find a life partner, taking the model from the guys who are “warm on the outside, rich on the inside” like Korean movies.

“I want a boyfriend who is 1.8 m tall; must be at least the head of the department; salary over 30 million; have a house; be caring, not brute. When getting married, you have to live separately, the wife is a housewife, the husband takes care of the husband. economy,” Nhi said. Set a goal to get married at the age of 23, but so far she has not found the right person.

Marriage is an important event in life, so it is understandable for someone to be careful and choose with their own “set of criteria”. Research “Marriage and family values ​​- The perspective of young Vietnamese generation” published in the Journal of Family and Gender Research in June 2021, shows that people aged 16-30 have criteria for choosing a lover, life partner is similar to Linh and Nhi. The research team’s survey shows that popular criteria include: love; ethics; loyalty; know how to behave; strong; appearence; income; Work; Education; equivalent family; parental consent; same locality; ethnic; religion…

“But that’s not why we set our standards too high, even unrealistic, so that we can’t find the right person forever,” said psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam.

Explaining the reasons why young people tend to be more picky or strict with their standards of life partner, Ms. Tam pointed out three things. Firstly, young people today have lost faith in marriage because of a sudden increase in the number of adultery, violence and divorce cases; the second is the illusion caused by the influence of movies and media; and finally, the thinking “what layer of cloud meets that layer of cloud”, is that people with good conditions must find a life partner equal to or higher than themselves.

Thuy Linh believes that she has a basis to be picky because her work and family background are all good, and it is reasonable to set high standards with her partner. She admitted, there is no shortage of pursuers but have not loved anyone, because the “satellites” do not meet the desired elements. “Either find the right person, or I will stay single,” the girl declared.

Cultural expert Nguyen Hung Vi, former lecturer at the University of Social Sciences and Humanities, said that Linh’s choice to find a life partner is not wrong because everyone is free to choose.

“We don’t have the right to condemn or judge when someone makes a wish about a life partner, even if it’s different. Even if they can’t find a compatible person, they may not get married,” Mr. Vi said. .

There are no statistics on how many people “don’t get married because they can’t find a compatible person” in Vietnam, but the 2019 General Statistics Office Census shows the number of households with only one person. (single households) tends to increase, from 7.2% in 2007 to 10.9% in 2019. The provinces of the Red River Delta and the Southeast are the two regions with the highest percentage of single households, 13% and 12.8%. The average age of first marriage is 25.2 years old, an increase of 0.7 years compared to 2009.

According to psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam, people who can locate themselves, know who they are, have conditions and “have the right to be picky”, but the most worrying is the delusional group. “They don’t know who they are, don’t realize their own limitations, but are busy looking for an unreal illusion. They yearn to get married but fail or easily find the wrong partner, by the owners. Possessing excellent characteristics will find a suitable elite object”, Ms. Tam said.

This is true for Truc Nhi. She was originally an office worker, her monthly salary was 7 million dong, her appearance was assessed as normal, her parents were farmers, she couldn’t talk well, but she wanted her future husband to be perfect. Like the next time she saw the eyes of “30-year-old deputy manager”, she concluded that the opponent had a bad appearance, monolid eyes, local accent, not gentle, lack of sophistication, especially not having a house, salary only 20 million dong. “I don’t want to get married and have to save up to buy a house, buy a car, know when to enjoy a leisurely life,” the 28-year-old girl explained.

Truc Nhi during an outing in Phu Quoc 2019. Photo: Provided by the character

Truc Nhi on an outing in Phu Quoc 2019. Photo: Characters provided

There are no standards for choosing a life partner, but The Long, 35 years old, a seagoing sailor in Hai Phong, has not been able to get married because of picky parents. The model daughter-in-law that Mrs. Le Hong, 55 years old, Long’s mother, wishes to be from the same city; to act as a state agency; courage; good-looking, plump, over 1.65 m tall; do not dye hair or have tattoos; families with few brothers and sisters, both parents have pensions to ease the burden.

Once, Long brought his girlfriend to introduce, but Mrs. Hong objected and threatened her face if her son continued to love her, because the girl was from the province, her parents were farmers, she couldn’t register for them, she was short. hard to give birth. After a while, he broke up, but so far, he has not been able to find someone according to his mother’s pattern, so he had to ask for a matchmaking service, hoping to get married soon.

There are many people who spend money to find a perfect life partner like Long. Today, many dating services in Vietnam are blooming to meet the needs of young people to find a life partner, costing from several tens of millions to hundreds of millions of dong. Ms. Vu Nguyet Anh, CEO of a high-end matchmaking company, headquartered in Hanoi, once revealed to VnExpress that, the unit only serves high-class customers, candidates with university degrees or higher, the number of overseas students accounts for 1/3 of service customers, many are CEOs, presidents, leaders of companies , corporations, the price of service packages from 15 to 70 million dong. Particularly for the successful commitment package costing 100 million VND, guests can refer unlimited candidates for two years.

After five years of service, Anh’s unit has helped nearly a dozen couples get married and dozens of couples fall in love. “The number is not much compared to the number of customers, because it is only aimed at a select group of people,” she said.

Commenting on people who are “super picky”, experts all confirm that that person forgets one important thing, marriage is not an act of mechanically combining two individuals together based on criteria. “Emotional factors, personality qualities, life values, and ideology are the core things that help maintain a sustainable marriage and determine happiness,” Tam said. The pursuit of materialistic standards, appearance may not find the right person, marriage is difficult to consummate.

Minh Ha, 40 years old, in Nghe An, has always longed to find a husband with an angular face, neatly cut hair, muscular shoulders, a head taller than her, both literally and figuratively. He must have a stable career, a monthly salary that is enough for the couple to travel, buy branded clothes and, importantly, know what she wants just by looking at her.

Resisting to keep the silhouette distilled from ideal models made Ha miss the man who made her flutter during her student days. “Apart from loving me sincerely, he didn’t meet any standards and we still broke up,” she said. When she turned 40, she was introduced to several people by her family, most of whom were divorced or disabled.

Refusing to “close her eyes and move her feet”, Minh Ha chose to live alone. “My friends all have children, are picked up and taken care of by their husbands, but I don’t. If I didn’t dream, maybe life would be different,” she confided.

Quynh Nguyen


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